"Going Rogue" — Excised excerpt
With Sarah Palin, GOP pinup girl and 2012 presidential aspirant, currently touring the country in support of her eagerly anticipated memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life," we here at Blog My Rabbit decided we wanted to get in on the action.
Employing our vast network of political operatives, BMR editors have come into possession of an early draft of the book that includes — in addition to a bevy of misspellings, grammatical misconstructs and punctuation errors — some rather steamy recollections of Palin's college days at the University of Idaho. Those passages, however, never made the 432-page final edition, possibly due to potential litigation.
Undaunted by the specter of lawsuits, BMR is proud to present here an exclusive excerpt from the "Going Rogue" most people will never read. In it, Palin details the brief, torrid affair she embarked on with another UI graduate, one who, though unnamed in the book, sparked in her the first embers of political desire and lust for power.
I first met (name redacted) at the Capricorn Ballroom one Friday night in the fall of 1985. It wasn't exactly my favorite place to hang out because the bands there played boring country-western music and the bar allegedly didn't have the wine coolers I had grown to adore. But my dorm mate Connie liked to swing dance, and when she suggested we try out the Cap, I figured it might be a hoot. There would probably be some yummy guys in Stetsons and cowboy boots there, which would be a complete bonus.
When we got there, it was still happy hour and the band was two hours away from starting up. We grabbed a table near the dance floor and ordered a pitcher of Rainier beer. Yuck, I said to myself; all I wanted was a Bartles & Jaymes Fuzzy Naval. Besides just plain tasting bad, beer will make you pork out. But, like they say, when in Greece ...
Across the bar, I noticed this guy giving me the eye. He wasn't wearing a cowboy hat and he definitely wasn't very studly. Instead, he was dressed in a pair of ragged jeans and a "Ramones" T-shirt. He had this mangy beard of yellow-red hair and neck hair sticking out of his collar. Yuck, I said to myself; what a loser. I tried to ignore him, but there really wasn't anybody else in the bar at that point and he kept staring at me with these beady eyes while sniffing the air and hooting like some kind of, I don't know, gorilla. Yuck, I told myself again.
"Hey, I think that guy over there likes you," Connie said to me.
"Yuck," I said, only this time out loud. "He looks like a total loser."
"Aw, c'mon, Sarah-cuda, you never know. He might be a bunch of fun. Bunch ... bunches, get it? Like bananas?"
"You're hysterical," I said.
The hairy guy kept staring at me until I started to get creeped out, big-time. I finally turned to Connie and was about to suggest we leave when I sensed somebody behind me. I turned back around to find the creepy hairy loser guy standing over me holding out a mango wine cooler.
"Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice you could use a fruity carbonated malt beverage," he grunted, shoving the bottle in my face. "It's a fine libation. I keep waiting for them to make a banana-flavored one."
I took the bottle hesitantly, wondering what the crazy person on the other end of it would do if I turned him down.
"Where ... where'd you get this?" I asked him. "The bartender said they don't sell them here."
"I keep a couple bottles with me at all times, just in case I meet a fine-looking lady such as yourself in need of thirst-quenching."
"Thanks ... I think," I said as I took the wine cooler. It was then that I got my first whiff of him — he had a stench like a horse stall that hadn't been hosed down in a month. At first I thought I might toss my cookies right there in the bar, the odor was so gagnormous, but after a few moments it started to fade and and change and even started to smell ... well, intriguing.
"I see you've picked up my scent," the hairy creepy loser guy said with a confident air. "You humans aren't quite as proficient at unleashing the mating aroma as us evolved primates. It's one of the myriad reasons why we apes will someday rule this planet."
Uninvited, he pulled up a chair and sat down at our table. Connie and I were still reeling from sensory overload; we couldn't have told him to get lost if we wanted to. It was like we had been hypnotized. Or gassed, I'm not sure which. Then he laid on us one of the most original pickup lines I'd ever heard:
"Surely you've heard of the four pillars of Reaganomics," he said. "It all starts with deregulation ..."
Next: After a heavy night of carousing, Sarah Palin and her paramour pass out in a Moscow snow bank. Read more...
